15.1.2011
I didn't want to go on about the bad details of this Saturday on the main page. Partly because this is going to be a long entry and because when it comes down to it... most people just want to hear the happy stuff. I was conflicted about if I should write this AT ALL. I decided though, that I want to be honest about things while I'm here and that I shouldn't isolate myself from my friends especially in the bad times, that's when I need them the most. So, If you are reading this.. be warned... Honesty will be poured out and it won't be pretty... and...also... thank you.
Responsibility?
Today I got an email
This email is from a now estranged friend, who i have not spoken to in many many many years.
We had a falling out. He behaved in such a way that made me decide I no longer wanted to be friends with him. Over the next several years he persisted fervently in trying to get me to talk to him again and again and again, even bringing several other people into the situation. Time and time again. All this accomplished was to push me further away. I have no anger or ill will toward this person. When it comes down to it... I have no tolerance for intolerance, and his personal views and mine.. just don't mesh. It's really just that simple.
Am I annoyed with him? Yes.
I don't appreciate feeling smothered. I don't appreciate the guilt trips or feeling bullied into having a friendship with someone. That's about it though... I just sigh for a moment and roll my eyes when he does what he does. Then I go on about my day.
Re-reading all this... makes me feel TERRIBLE of course. I am a very emotional and empathetic person. I don't want to feel this way about someone and the friendship we used to have... but what can I do? I would feel dishonest to be friends with him. I don't think it's fair to either party to re-create a relationship in this manner.
ALLLLL that being said...
I got this email today...
and it shook my world
This old friend sent me a suicide letter............
He went on in detail about his feelings, his reasons, his plans, and why he thinks I am partially to blame.
...........................
Even now.... I don't know what to say
I contacted a few of our other mutual friends back in the States, to ask advise, to ask for help....
I was worried that contacting him NOW after all these years would actually be a very bad idea, that somehow giving attention to THAT kind of behavior... I don't know... It's just how I saw things
but I couldn't just ignore it...
If anyone else reading this has lost someone to suicide... perhaps you will understand
There's always that part of you, no matter how many times you let logic tell you otherwise... there's always that part that says "If only.. if only I could have called / talked to them / told them....."
I am half way across the globe and in a completely different and inconvenient time zone! Part of me knows (and he even said it) that he sent ME that email because i am so far away and because I wouldn't respond. I suppose maybe he even thought... I wouldn't read it all.
While I was waiting for my friends to respond...
I spent the entire day looking up suicide prevent help online, with little to no luck at all. I finally found an email address.... I forwarded his email and asked for help. I didn't know what else to do. I don't know where he lives. I don't know his phone number now. .........
I had the idea to send the email on to one other old friend. He turned out to be the best method after all. We talked briefly through emails, then he found the guy online, and started chatting with him. I won't go into detail much more than that... but once he told me that he was taking care of it... I collapsed into tears. I'm not sure i have ever felt a sensation of relief like that.
I decided that I needed to get out of my room and go be around people. That's what the rest of the Saturday post is about. That's my happy face, pretending everything is okay. I came home very late, but still couldn't sleep. I found my Dad on skype. I asked him to pray.
i asked him to pray for this old friend, that he would find peace, that he would find a way to work out his sadness and hopelessness.
If praying is something you do or if not... take a moment... and send him good thoughts
Responsibility?
Today I got an email
This email is from a now estranged friend, who i have not spoken to in many many many years.
We had a falling out. He behaved in such a way that made me decide I no longer wanted to be friends with him. Over the next several years he persisted fervently in trying to get me to talk to him again and again and again, even bringing several other people into the situation. Time and time again. All this accomplished was to push me further away. I have no anger or ill will toward this person. When it comes down to it... I have no tolerance for intolerance, and his personal views and mine.. just don't mesh. It's really just that simple.
Am I annoyed with him? Yes.
I don't appreciate feeling smothered. I don't appreciate the guilt trips or feeling bullied into having a friendship with someone. That's about it though... I just sigh for a moment and roll my eyes when he does what he does. Then I go on about my day.
Re-reading all this... makes me feel TERRIBLE of course. I am a very emotional and empathetic person. I don't want to feel this way about someone and the friendship we used to have... but what can I do? I would feel dishonest to be friends with him. I don't think it's fair to either party to re-create a relationship in this manner.
ALLLLL that being said...
I got this email today...
and it shook my world
This old friend sent me a suicide letter............
He went on in detail about his feelings, his reasons, his plans, and why he thinks I am partially to blame.
...........................
Even now.... I don't know what to say
I contacted a few of our other mutual friends back in the States, to ask advise, to ask for help....
I was worried that contacting him NOW after all these years would actually be a very bad idea, that somehow giving attention to THAT kind of behavior... I don't know... It's just how I saw things
but I couldn't just ignore it...
If anyone else reading this has lost someone to suicide... perhaps you will understand
There's always that part of you, no matter how many times you let logic tell you otherwise... there's always that part that says "If only.. if only I could have called / talked to them / told them....."
I am half way across the globe and in a completely different and inconvenient time zone! Part of me knows (and he even said it) that he sent ME that email because i am so far away and because I wouldn't respond. I suppose maybe he even thought... I wouldn't read it all.
While I was waiting for my friends to respond...
I spent the entire day looking up suicide prevent help online, with little to no luck at all. I finally found an email address.... I forwarded his email and asked for help. I didn't know what else to do. I don't know where he lives. I don't know his phone number now. .........
I had the idea to send the email on to one other old friend. He turned out to be the best method after all. We talked briefly through emails, then he found the guy online, and started chatting with him. I won't go into detail much more than that... but once he told me that he was taking care of it... I collapsed into tears. I'm not sure i have ever felt a sensation of relief like that.
I decided that I needed to get out of my room and go be around people. That's what the rest of the Saturday post is about. That's my happy face, pretending everything is okay. I came home very late, but still couldn't sleep. I found my Dad on skype. I asked him to pray.
i asked him to pray for this old friend, that he would find peace, that he would find a way to work out his sadness and hopelessness.
If praying is something you do or if not... take a moment... and send him good thoughts